\When Catholic families and friends are confronted with a loved one’s same-sex attraction, a typical reaction is confusion and concern. Often, they don’t know where to turn for help.
“When I first learned that our son was leading a homosexual lifestyle, I was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and doubt,” K.W. (name withheld for confidentiality) said. “I wondered what I had done (or not done) to cause my son’s homosexuality.
“It was comforting to meet other parents who were struggling with these same feelings and to be reassured by the priest that I was not to blame for my son’s homosexuality.”
K.W. and others have found encouragement through an EnCourage group in the Diocese of Columbus that provides support for parents, family members, friends and others who have someone in their lives dealing with same-sex attraction.
EnCourage is an international apostolate that was formed in 1987, seven years after the founding of Courage International, which focuses on assisting the men and women with same-sex attraction who want to live chaste lifestyles according to Church teaching.
Parents with a same-sex-attracted child often struggle with guilt, particularly when the child is not actively practicing the faith. EnCourage, which has grown to more than 75 chapters worldwide, is designed to help them understand the experience of their loved one and to develop healthy relationships within families while striving to deepen their own spirituality.
In the Diocese of Columbus, the EnCourage group meets once a month under the direction of Father William Ferguson, the parochial vicar at Delaware St. Mary Church who has served as the chaplain of Courage and EnCourage for the past two years after Father Pat Toner filled that role for many years.
“I am so grateful that the Catholic Church has, for many decades now, recognized the need to serve the real pastoral needs of those with same-sex attraction (SSA) along with their families,” Father Ferguson said.
“These national apostolates show that the Catholic Church does not at all ‘hate gays’ as many in our society seem to think, but that we are indeed very welcoming of those who are experiencing SSA and who want to handle it in an authentic way.
“The Courage and EnCourage ministries show that the Catholic Church is always wanting to meet people with two vitally important principles: both compassion and truth. This is how Jesus related to people. Jesus was always compassionate and willing to accompany people in their needs, but he never wavered on the truth of their dignity as human persons.”
“As the local chaplain, and as someone who has never had SSA, I have learned an immense amount from the members of both ministries as I have tried to serve them and to accompany them. And I have grown deeply in my sincere admiration for their determination to strive for holiness and their total commitment to Jesus. They are all an inspiration to me.”
About 10-15 people attend the monthly meetings for the local EnCourage group, which has grown steadily in recent years to approximately 30 members. The group sessions include Mass, prayer, a reflection based on the Church’s teaching on same-sex attraction and discussions about family situations and healthy relationships with family members.
“The culture as a whole is trying to get us to condone this kind of lifestyle, and it can be fairly isolating for many of these family members who want to embrace Church teachings,” Father Ferguson said. “This group really helps them to know that they’re on the right track as far as upholding the dignity of the human body and what authentic love means.
“It helps them to know that they’re not alone and that they have the support of the Church and other fellow disciples as Catholics in the midst of their family situations.”
At every EnCourage meeting, the national apostolate’s five goals are read:
• To grow spiritually through spiritual reading, prayer, meditation, individual spiritual direction, frequent attendance at Mass, and the frequent reception of the sacraments of penance and the Holy Eucharist.
• To gain a deeper understanding of the needs, difficulties and challenges experienced by men and women with same-sex attraction.
• To establish and maintain a healthy and wholesome relationship with their loved ones who experience same-sex attraction.
• To assist other family members and friends to reach out with compassion and truth, and not to reject their loved ones who experience same-sex attraction.
• To witness to their loved ones by their own lives that fulfillment is to be found in Jesus Christ through His Body, the Church.
A mother and father who attend local meetings described their EnCourage experience. They have a same-sex-attracted son.
“Over the years, attendees at our meetings have been parents, grandparents, siblings, spouses, cousins, aunts and uncles and friends of men or women who experience same-sex attraction,” the couple related.
“Our loved ones are very, very dear to our hearts, and we accept them as we accept all those we love, with all their strengths and weaknesses. Yet love and acceptance of another person does not mean that we must agree with their choices and actions.”
They said the confidential sharing and fellowship at the meetings have proved invaluable to them in their family’s journey.
“At the heart of this sharing is our desire to increase in understanding, compassion and love, grounded in God’s revealed truth, so our discussion encompasses goals two, three and four,” they said. “Much fruitful conversation flows from this. Sometimes people just have to unburden their hearts, and that is fine.
“The reason everyone is there is because they love someone so much, and they want that person to know how much God loves them, and it’s painful to see any of our loved ones turn away from God’s plan for human flourishing. …
“We have also developed wonderful friendships with the other members over the years, and for many, those friends are the only people they can talk to about their situation.
“And, most important, EnCourage has been vital for our family, helping us to develop a better relationship with our son. He knows we don’t agree with him on the issues surrounding same-sex attraction, but he absolutely knows we truly love him.”
Another couple learned of their son’s same-sex attraction more than 14 years ago before the EnCourage group was formed in Columbus. Shocked and confused, they turned to a parish priest who at that time did not have the resources available to assist. They went online and found the national apostolate of Courage and EnCourage, which has its headquarters in Connecticut.
The www.couragerc.org website offers a variety of resources for the same-sex attracted and their families that include the locations of local chapters, support programs, chat groups, events and contact information.
Details about Courage and EnCourage in the Diocese of Columbus also can be found through the Office of Marriage and Family Life at www.columbuscatholic.org.
“If not for (Courage and EnCourage), we don’t know what our relationship would be like with our son,” the couple said. “We learned to speak the truth in love with compassion and maintain a good relationship with him.
“We are so grateful for the local EnCourage group that we have now. We look forward to spending time with the other like-minded members and Father Ferguson for their support and a chance to pray together.”
Another couple who joined the group about six years ago said EnCourage has been a “lifeline” for them.
In addition to local meetings, EnCourage and Courage conduct a yearly national conference. This year’s event took place at Benedictine College in Atchison, Kansas, and was attended by Bishop Earl Fernandes.
A couple who has gone to the conferences said, “We have witnessed the struggles and, most of all, the joy of those with SSA who have come to know that true happiness can only be found in Christ and by living by His teachings. They truly are saints to be able to live chaste lives as opposed to what the culture is telling them to do.
“As we are labeled homophobic and unloving by society and family members, these Courage members give us hope and affirmation that we are doing the right thing as parents by speaking the truth to our sons and daughters and loving them as the children of God that they are.
“Several members (at the national Courage conference) have shared with us that they truly believe that it was their parents’ prayers that helped bring them back to the Church and that we should never give up hope for our children. This apostolate is such a blessing from God.”
More recently, gender dysphoria has become an issue in society, and parents are seeking help when a child is confused about his or her God-given sex.
“We are watching all the developments as closely as we can,” Father Schnippel said. “With EnCourage, our ministry to parents and family members, the experience is quite similar whether the loved one is active in a same-sex partnership or the experience of gender dysphoria. Pastorally accompanying persons with the experience of SSA vs. gender dysphoria is different, and we are discerning how best to walk with both communities of persons.”
Anyone interested in learning more about EnCourage or connecting with the local group can contact Father Ferguson.
“I want to gently encourage anyone who is experiencing SSA – or who has a loved one with SSA – to not be afraid to reach out and learn more about Courage and EnCourage,” he said. “Jesus really does love you, and there is nothing to be ashamed about.
“You will find great support from both Jesus and from the members and will discover that we’re all on a journey in life. So, definitely take the step to get involved. Everything is kept confidential.”
Father Ferguson can be reached at wferguson@columbuscatholic.org.