Dear Father,
My family is fighting over the ashes of my mom. She died several years ago, and we had her body cremated. My siblings wanted to have the ashes scattered, but I didn’t. At this moment, I have her ashes in the back of my closet. I’m not sure what to do at this point. Should I persist in having her ashes interred (which will provoke my siblings), or should I promote peace in my family and let them have their way?
-Paula
Dear Paula,
First, my condolences on the passing of your mother.
You seem to know already the importance of having your mother’s ashes interred and not scattered. As Christians, we know the importance of burying the dead because the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. The same is true for the remains after cremation. Though in a different form, the remains are what had composed a temple of the Holy Spirit.
While it may be a moot point for your situation, let it be noted that the Catholic Church “earnestly recommends that the pious custom of burial be retained.” Cremation is only recently not forbidden, unless the reason for cremation is contrary to Christian teaching (Canon 1176).
One motive for people sometimes choosing cremation is precisely so that the ashes of the departed may be scattered. Sometimes people want the ashes scattered because they don’t believe in the sanctity of the body and its remains, or they disbelieve the resurrection of the dead.
Another reason people use for scattering the ashes is so that the remains will be near a site that the deceased person loved, such as a golf course or oceanside view. Still others think that the body is evil and needs to be destroyed and returned to “Mother Nature.” Historically, cremation tended to be used by pagan religions on account of the belief in reincarnation.
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Neither the burial of deceased bodies nor the interment of cremated remains is the end of life. It’s more of a stop along the way as we all journey to the Second Coming of Christ and the general resurrection of the dead. The Catholic Church believes that every person will appear before Christ at the end of the world to give an account of their lives to Him.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church (#1016) says, “By death the soul is separated from the body, but in the resurrection, God will give incorruptible life to our body, transformed by reunion with our soul. Just as Christ is risen and lives forever, so all of us will rise at the last day.”
The words of St. Simeon of Thessalonica are consoling: “For even dead, we are not at all separated from one another, because we all run the same course and we will find one another again in the same place. We shall never be separated, for we live for Christ, and now we are united with Christ as we go toward Him … we shall all be together in Christ.”
Bring your mother’s ashes out of the closet. Have them interred at a Catholic cemetery. It’s not just one alternative; it’s the only alternative.
You will have to take up the cross of dealing with your siblings. There is already tension about the issue and it needs to be resolved. Explain to the best of your ability why it’s necessary to inter your mother’s ashes. You may want to consider enlisting the help of your pastor or another trusted individual from your parish. Be charitable but firm.
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It is helpful to ponder what Christ said about following Him and how our families may respond. Our Lord emphasized the importance of healthy family relationships, but He also insisted that we must prioritize Him over family. In Luke 14:26, He taught, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.”
We can be tempted to place all kinds of things before God, including our fear of losing relationships, especially family relationships, when we follow God’s plan for our lives. There are myriad ways that we owe obedience to God, regardless of what family and friends may think or do. And burying your mother’s ashes, not keeping them closeted or storing them on a mantel or spreading them or dividing them among family members, is one of them.
On a practical note, arrange with your priest (or deacon) and the cemetery for a suitable time for the rite of interment. The rite of committal is simple. There is a blessing of the remains with holy water and a special prayer by the priest or deacon.
If a funeral Mass has not been celebrated (for a Catholic), then arrange for this, too, with your parish. If there has been a funeral, have Masses offered for the repose of the soul of your mother.
May your mother’s soul rest in peace.
Questions about the sacraments should be sent to sacraments101@columbuscatholic.org.