The strongest influences in my life have been those that live and lead by example. Their truth speaking hearts inspire me. They are disciplined, servant hearted, humble, bright and wise. For me, the saints have become those I am drawn closest to, as their very essence calls me toward Christ.
St. Catherine of Siena is one of these bold souls whose call to live life fully in the identity made for us by God has been a light unto my path as I have searched and strived to become the best version of myself.
I’ve always wanted to be a strong woman, the kind of woman who wasn’t afraid of anything and stood strong in what she believed. Unfortunately, I was the girl who was scared to get her driver’s license, the girl who was scared to take risks, always trying to keep the peace and not make waves. When I left home for college, I made a plan that would help me achieve my strong woman goals. In my 18-year-old eyes, a strong woman had a college education. A strong woman had her own job, lived on her own and could support herself financially. I worked hard my first two years of college toward these goals.
St. Catherine of Siena was the youngest of 24 children. Her life from an early age was one devoted to Christ. So attuned to Him was she at an early age that she experienced episodes of ecstasy just resting in prayer with Him. She betrothed herself to Him in her childhood, knowing that was her calling, her purpose. Her spirit of certainty has always spoken to me in moments when I feel the Lord calling me to a specific path or direction and I am reserved in saying yes.
Not my will but yours, Lord
When I met my husband, I was 19 years old and on my way toward being that “strong woman.” In one night spent talking with him and sharing stories, I knew he was the one set apart for me, and I was so frustrated. The timing was off! This was not how I was going to become stronger. I needed to stand on my own and check off my list.
After marching down to the local village church and having a whispered shouting match with Our Lord in the tabernacle, I surrendered and said, “Fine. You have always kept me safe. I’ll go your way. I’ll trust your plan.” Getting married while in college and starting a family so young taught me that strength comes with surrendering your will.
Fast forward 30 years later, 28 of those married, eight kids who have a variety of needs, some you see and some you do not, my definition of what it means to be a strong woman has significantly changed. When our last daughter was born, we named her after St. Catherine of Siena, a bold, devout, fierce and deep woman of prayer who gave generously and fought bravely for the Lord.
So brave and fierce was St. Catherine that in the great schism of the church, she wrote hundreds of letters to kings, queens, princes, nobility, religious and even the Pope urging reconciliation. The Pope had relocated to Avignon and Catherine vehemently urged him through several letters to return to Rome and lead. Her tone always held deep respect but also spoke truth in a way that must have illuminated in such a way that the Pope saw Christ using St. Catherine to speak to Him.
Christ sends us people and experiences to help us lean into Him more deeply. We knew this daughter of ours would have to have a strong spirit, being the youngest of eight, and her survival was tenuous as I had a bilateral uterus with multiple windows attached to my bladder and stomach. Should she kick one of those, both lives would be at risk. Praise God that we both made it. We entrusted her to St. Catherine of Siena and her bold trusting spirit.
In one of her letters to her friend Stefano Maconi, St. Catherine is quoted as saying, “If you are what you ought to be, you will set fire to all Italy.” It is commonly quoted as, “If you are who God created you to be, you will set the world on fire.” This mantra, written on my heart and that of my daughter’s, has taught me that true strength is following God’s will for your life. Each of us has our own unique calling to live out. True strength means placing your trust in He who created you and living fully in that identity when you face challenges you couldn’t dream of.
Strength synonymous with trust
Our third son was born with severe bone and joint deformities, where his legs were crossed behind him, touching his neck, and his right ear touching his thigh. He had no use of his arms or legs. How very little my prior description of strength mattered when it came to the needs of being this child’s mother. Now forced to travel out of state on my own, carrying an infant son and heavy medical equipment through airports, sitting through surgery after surgery with only the hope of a successful outcome, strength became synonymous with trust. The more I trusted, the more I became capable of fulfilling the calling ahead of me.
Four children later, we were asked to adopt an eight-year-old girl from Armenia who had the same condition. When we brought her home, she, too, required multiple life-threatening surgeries, and her level of care was intense. There were moments when my husband and I balanced two children in different hospitals in different states while caring for the other six. Strength looked like asking for help when we needed it.
Strength looks like mercy lived out
As surgeries settled and children grew older, we faced more typical stresses of teenagers pushing hard against the boundaries we had set, our own health scares that shook our long-term plan of our marriage. Strength continued to be redefined through it all. It was strong to choose to forgive.
St. Catherine lived strength in so many ways throughout her life, but it matured with her. From her early years of cutting her hair to appear less attractive to stay unmarried and enter religious life to later in life fighting fiercely for cultural, political and moral change. Her example continues to give courage to a mom who fights these same influences on a smaller scale within the walls of her home.
Strength looks like mercy lived out in the challenging circumstances of raising a family and married life. The young me longed to set the world on fire in a way that sought accolades and acknowledgment. I now look at the mirror most mornings and marvel at the woman standing before me. I look at the stories written out in each line and wrinkle upon her body and marvel at the strength hewn in those fires. I am in awe of the strong wife and mother, daughter of the King who has learned to surrender each day to the Lord and walk in His plan, trusting her witness is setting off sparks for every soul she encounters.
St. Catherine of Siena’s feast day is April 29.